I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
