I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
