I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
