Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
