I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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