He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
