She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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