just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
sarcasm needs its own font
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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