All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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