I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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