We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
