he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
