You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
