Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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