Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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