You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
