I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
