Screwed.edu
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
