i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
