I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
