Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
