I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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