please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had sex on a roof
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
