dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
