I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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