Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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