3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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