Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
