Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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