Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
