I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
