I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
