it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
