I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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