Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
