just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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