Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
