I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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