dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
