so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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