Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
