I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
