they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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