Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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