I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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