And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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