I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
