ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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