my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
even my farts smell like vagina
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
