Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
