my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
