Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
