i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
