Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
