I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
