yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
